Soul mates & life partners: why can't we have both?
I am writing this piece not because it may have something to do with streetwear or fashion or art but because besides my work (the kind I love even when I hate it) the single biggest preoccupation in my life have been relationships. The have run me ragged! And I am sure my Exes would tell you worse.
So I felt like getting a bit clinical on you and since my latest ex told me that I was her soulmate but could never be her life companion, although I really think her life is too crowded for one. Here goes my observations on the matter: read it or go buy something so I can pay my rent, or skip to the next blog.
I love you but I cannot be with you! Heart crusher, mind bomb, it is one of the worst feelings you may experience in your life.
Experts say, that is common to mix up a soulmate for a life partner—you might think they’re exactly the same thing, or that any difference between the two concepts is purely BS. Myself, I am on the fence with the whole thing.
By definition apparently, a life partner is someone trustworthy and dependable with whom you spend significant time, (think of a pet), while a soulmate is a person who arrives in your life specifically to enrich it, encourage your development and push you to grow into a higher state of consciousness…and if you are lucky give you the best love making you ever had in the process…
Wait! let us back up a second, so the choice is dependability, trustworthiness, and stability or passion, enlightenment and awesome sex…Uhm.
First thing that comes to mind is why can’t we have both? We can't.
So as to level the playing field a little, let’s take the sex out of the equation for a moment.
A soulmate can be a friend, or even a family member, not only a lover.
So maybe a romantic connection is not always necessary. That being said, a true soulmate inspires passion of some sort, and helps you towards fulfilling some aspect of your true potential.
But a soulmate, especially the kind you love with every fibre of your being, the one that makes you ache inside and out, might and most likely will eventually leave your life in one way or another, I must admit we "soulmates" have complete disdain for routine! So the hurting begins, this however is prime time to create and self realize oneself...start that book you always meant to write, or that trip you always wanted to take, or actually save some money for a change...
Love and Passion are a powerful and sometimes incendiary combination, think Nitroglycerine. There is so much handling you can do before it explodes.
In contrast, a life partner shares your interests, supports you, and helps to empower you. Well not quite as a pet would in this case, but more like a caring parent or a kind boss. I am not trying to be bias here, but rather make sense of what it is viewed as an existential crisis by most people in love or in a relationship for that matter.
A life partner can even be an ex sometimes, in life some people learn to accept compromise, they call it being mature…We grow to accept things for the sake of our day to day living, in spite sometimes, of hopes we might have for that big love that poets write about, singers sing of and dreamers dream of….like the song goes “love won’t pay my rent…I need money.” I must admit my life is one of a gypsy more than it is the life of an accountant. Not a good attribute for life partnering.
It is said in defense of life partners in general, that the are likely to be with you for the long haul, regardless of challenges encountered, and they share a profound and reciprocal bond with you...they also lead to obesity.
That bond might not always tingle your loins, but it can be a strong and everlasting bond especially when Krispy Kreme jelly doughnuts are involved.
A connection with a soulmate on the other hand might be defined by time and place and specific life circumstances, and sex in public places. It is most likely the kind of connection that completely takes over your heart and mind, bringing light into your consciousness or can render you completely and utterly numb.
As such, the soulmate relationship is intense, constantly involving, beautiful and likely to bring about hurt as well as joy. And that's on the light side of things, at time it can also lead to very pointy objects been thrown at you with the sole purpose of defacing you.
The experiences that soul mates afford you, are generally transformational, hopefully for the best. They might just elevate you and bring forth qualities you never thought you possessed as for instance negotiating your way out of a place completely foreign to you without any idea on how you got there in the first place... but going through those lessons can be both exhausting and exhilarating!
It is said, the connection you have with a life partner usually develops when you are both already in a state of self-love and self-acceptance or completely exhausted and void of all sexual desire. Meaning maybe that you are looking within for that love you were searching for and accepted the possibility that it might not just happened for you in this lifetime, or you were one of the lucky ones and actually experienced it…but the effort was to great to make a lasting relationship from it. “remember it is far greater to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all”. And with great loves most often you lose, they are bigger than you!
Proponents of the life partner theory say that it is a more peaceful kind of kinship, and it is often the turmoil experienced with a soulmate that creates the space for this type of bond with a life partner. No kidding...
They say love is for the young as you get older you need stability…Blah, blah, blah.
I like to mention a few more things before I humbly deliver my personal opinion on the matter...
Intuitive Understanding Vs. Growing Understanding:
When you meet a soulmate, you will feel like you’ve known each other for your whole life. Somehow, without ever having encountered each other before in your present incarnations, you intuitively understand how each other thinks, feels and approaches life.
There is sometimes an overlap in your childhood experiences, sometimes by some incredible coincidence you share the same initials (I speak from experience), which makes it incredibly handy when choosing a set of monogrammed luggage. You feel known by each other, and this leads to a magnetic intense attraction or blackmail. Your five senses are in tune: your sense of smell, touch, taste, sight, hearing. The sense of life understanding, even if temporal, is there and you possess that feeling of being truly alive, but the trickier side is that the two of you probably also mirror each other’s flaws and more difficult habits.
Meanwhile, your life partner may come from a different background, or set of circumstances, creating curiosity in both directions or complete disorientation that at times they manipulate to their advantage... You should feel comfortable around each other, and this eases you into a deep and abiding friendship or love that feels like it’s constantly evolving. Just like the gentle roll of the waves on to the seashore. Or the gentle rolls of his belly on yours...
Emotional Vs. Logical Stimulation:
The primary type of stimulation you’ll experience with a soulmate is emotional—you often don’t need words to communicate your needs, desires and ideas. You just know each other, and the connection is constant and effortless.
With a life partner, you’ll primarily enjoy intellectual stimulation, remember the passion and the hunger for flesh and heart might not be there so you need at least someone that stimulates your mind. Otherwise my advice is to stick to Netflix.
A physical attraction nevertheless, may exist in both cases, but it will be driven by a craving for fusion in the case of a soulmate and maybe by a curiosity about contrasts and diversity in the case of a life partner. (Read you could not get the one you wanted now settle for this or be alone!)
The Timing Of The Meeting Differs:
Soulmates show up in your life when you somehow need to find closure of some sort and desperately need to a learn a specific lesson if you’re going to evolve. Some form of spanking may be involved. The resulting experience is ecstatic, causing you to encounter both the best and worst about yourself.
In contrast, a life partner shows up in your life when you’re ready for something easy, soothing, and capable of focusing on the present moment. Generally he will bore you to tears with his knowledge of wines and his adventures in the Amazon forest....A life partner can often make a wonderful spouse, as a healthy marriage is typically based on a willingness to be “one” in a sense while remaining interestingly distinct at the same time. That's why snugglies were invented.
Having said that a soulmate can and is in some cases the ultimate spouse, but it just takes way more work to keep the relationship whole. A few have perished in the line of duty...But again a Ferrari is not as dependable as a Honda and is very high maintenance, but way more fun to drive, and in time becomes more valuable and beautiful.
Please note, car metaphors aside, that it’s possible for your soulmate to be your life partner as well, and that it’s possible for a life partner to develop a truly profound connection with you, (rare but possible). I was asked to say that.
The crucial distinction is that you can choose a life partner and you cannot choose a soulmate. However, neither is better than the other it’s just a matter of choice and circumstances—and while a soulmate creates more profound change, and are way more fun, that’s not to say there’s nothing to learn from a life partner! After all they have heaps of knowledge when it comes to things that really matter; for instance how to balance your budget, or how to keep a tight schedule so by the end of the day you are so exhausted all you want to do is roll over and fall asleep.
Some say, a soul mate makes you feel entirely intact, like there is nothing missing in your world, the journey feels complete, A life partner, on the other hand, can be a great supporter and long-time companion, but is limited in his or her capacity to enrich your spirit...but you will most likely be able to attend those charity club events with all the other life partners. The ones that once frowned upon your libertine lifestyle will now welcome you with open arms.
As I promised I will deliver my opinion on this life long and forever present predicament in human history, here goes.
If life gifts you with a soulmate, know you have been granted one of the greatest gifts of all. It will frustrate you at times and bring you to your knees hopefully, but it will all be worthwhile; so when you get too old to really enjoy that sort of lovemaking that makes the walls tremble, and sailors blush, you will at least have that grin on your face that says, I have had it and it lasts me till now... at times it will feel impossible to sustain, but love with all your might, be loyal and true to that love, because that is a gift from the Divine, whether you have faith in something other than yourself, it is the one true evidence of something beyond the self. Don’t compromise your love for comfort or a false sense of security. And never ever turn you back on love. Once you’ve done that, the magic is gone…and you might never get it back.
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